I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
