3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
