I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
