just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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