i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
a search helicopter?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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