Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
