I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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