I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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