why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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