i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
