you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
