How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
