He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
