I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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