so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
