Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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