So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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