everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
