For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
