Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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