Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I am naked and annoyed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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