You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i love accidental penises.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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