God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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