he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
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It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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