feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
