It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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