Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
