I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Farmville is her only friend.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
