Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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