its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
