I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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