so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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