He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
