Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
