70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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