Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
