I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
