I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
