I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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