im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
