So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
