He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
