I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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