Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
