I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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