Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
