you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
