He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
