you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize