Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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