Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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