Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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