I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
