Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
