I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
