it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
