Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
