Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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