im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.