apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize