In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
