This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
