false alarm. still invincible.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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